dear god, will i always be this awkward forever?

as someone who has always prided herself on being witty/funny (albeit slightly weird), i’m starting to realize i am most definitely not this way with about 95% of people. mostly, i just come off as… kinda slow. and stiff. and contrived. and super awkward. there’s often a potential good joke half-forming somewhere in my brain, but i feel too unsure of myself to give in to it. my anxiety basically cuts in and jams up my circuits and i just end up defaulting my replies to a hesitant giggle. it’s like my mind has its arms folded across its chest. and this self-censor is totally dysfunctional - it works only to suppress the good stuff; the truly idiotic cringeworthy stuff always finds a way to get blurted out anyway. which only reinforces the compulsion to double down, be more tense, more self-conscious.

there are a handful of people who i can make laugh so hard we can hardly breathe. but i wonder if that says more about how awesome and easy to get along with those people are, and how long we’ve known each other (usually 2+ years), than about me.

in short: i feel so very blurg-like. not a terribly good feeling.

ugh.